What is love?

I often have occasion hear from and read the frustrations of many foster and adoptive parents;

Many of them complain that they just can't feel the LOVE for this child who is rallying every

single last frustrating, disgusting and or dangerous behavior as a coping mechanism against them.

I totally get it

I do, but I guess I see love differently than most.

Love isn't warm fuzzy feelings, or incredible adoration for your child.

Love, true love is so much more than this;

I guess I see it as a commitment rather than an emotion

and if you commit yourself to act out love

eventually you WILL feel it too,

But it's just not always possible to conjure those type of "emotions". 

I look at the biblical definition of love and I don't see warm squishy there;

I just see actions and behaviors that should be mine in order to accurately display true love. 

 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up.  It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful.  It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends. 

~1 Corinthians 13:4-8~

Yep, not seeing "happy feelings" there.

The truth is, when you are loving even the most lovable person

I mean REALLY loving them

It's impossible to do, but it's important to keep fighting to do it and the only way

we can even imperfectly keep it up is through the Lord's strength.

Because the real truth is:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance.  I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing.  I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.

~Philippians 4:11-13

I want to love, I want to say I'm always patient with the difficult behaviors.

But truth is, I'm human, and fallen and sometimes

 I AM "easily angered" when the attack is SO personal and painful,

sometimes I feel "self serving" I'd seriously like just ONE day without _______ behavior.

Sometimes I catch myself constantly on guard and expecting the worst;

But the Lord asks that I would bear all things, believe all things, hope all things

yep even endure all things. 

OUCH!

But if my hope rests solely in Christ, who strengthens me

I CAN do all His holy will.

Including TRUELY love someone who is at times can be VERY difficult to love.

Pain Beauty

This is an excerpt from my personal journal that I feel compelled to share:

Written on December 15th 2015

I grasped the cart handle tighter as another wave of pain overtook my joints... The nausea and disorientation that ensued made my hands tremble, I blinked slowly trying with all my strength to appear okay as I stood in line waiting to get my prescriptions. Another medication, what is it now... 5 different meds in: Just trying to find one that will help control the body that is attacking itself. 

"Sign here" the pharmacist points at the machine. Just like that my mind goes blank. I can't remember what I am supposed to be signing, that sinking "it's a test" feeling from my school days returns and I feel the tingling and pulses of pain in my hands, a dizzy spell roars in... Oh! My name I remember, fumbling through the fog to jot down my own name. The tremor returns to my hands I scribble something that looks nothing like my name then I quickly jam them into my pockets.  

 I'm so tired, I'm tired of hurting and tired of taking medications, tired of trying to always appear "ok".  

 There is an issue with my insurance and another wave of pain, this one threatening to knock me to the floor. I'm so confused. I hate feeling confused. I feel stupid and embarrassed as I realize how dumb it was that I couldn't remember it was my name I was supposed to sign. 

 Will any of this go away? Or is this just my even newer more unimproved normal? 

I lean hard on the counter and pray silently... "Strength, I need Your strength Lord; to face getting from here to the car!" She retries the insurance and I realize that even in pain I am to savor. So I savor the fact that I have a God who comforts us in the midst of pain. Is the pain any less? No...  is the pain pointless? Again, no. Another flash of nausea and with it... A glorious peace. 

“James 1:12 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.”

You see, God never promised us an easy happy perfect life if we follow Him, in fact, He pretty much promises the opposite. His promise is that we will never walk our hard alone. That he will be with us each step of the way to teach us the true definition of joy, and peace and love. His definition not our shallow Americanized version but something of far greater worth.

“Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

 It is a gift that He knows suffering, and pain not only that, but He endured far worse than I live with because of His love for me. So will I be unwilling to rejoice in the midst of mine in WHO He really is?  I close my eyes as I wait and silently sing I love you Lord. By the time I finally push my cart away from the counter tears are forming from the intensity of the pain but they are also tears of pure joy. 

“James 1:2-4  

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it’s full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

 This is just simply life in our sin-tortured world. There is such beauty in suffering when it’s done with purpose. I smile large through the clenched teeth. Pain~beauty. Peace that passes all understanding. My God is good… all the time, all the time, my God is good!

“Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”