Explained not Defined : February 2017

I sat there in complete disbelief... She pointed it out again... "right here, see this red spot on your brain scan? It shows that you have an ischemia... That means that you have very little blood flow through this portion of your brain. The portion that regulates emotions and is directly connected to the amygdala. You have VERY severe PTSD, and it looks like you have also had a traumatic brain injury which is completely inhibiting your ability to correctly process your emotions from the constant traumas you have been living through for the past several years, you are living in a constant state of experiencing these things even when they aren't happening."

My eyes rest in wonder and relief on the computer screen where she is showing me my brain mapping... I sigh in relief. Suddenly, I am validated. this isn't just my fault because I can't pull myself together, and 'think happy thoughts, be positive, blah blah blah.'

"I am beyond amazed that you function as well as you do with the things going on with your brain scan" she continues... I stare at her feeling... overwhelmed in the best way. We finished up the appointment by discussing all there would be to do with preparing my 'protocol' for this new therapy and the encouragement of change. She felt confident she could help me.

Nobody ever felt confident to help me before, most doctors look at me and say "wow, your a complicated case." I imagine they mean both physically and emotionally. The best anyone could ever do was hand me a prescription for MORE pills... as if I wasn't already on enough medications just so that I can stand up straight or so that my chronic illnesses won't deprive me of any more abilities than they already have.

image found on Pinterest

Sometimes I sit in the Dr. office and feel like they should just spin the wheel of "mis-fortune" What diagnosis will she win today?? Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, painfully hyper mobility. Oh and hey, lets give her some herniated disks, and why not SI joint disfunction for playing today... anyhow...

Shortly before I headed in to get the Q-EEG in preparation for Neurofeedback therapy, I had been in the depths of crushing depression, mind shattering anxiety, and constant hyper vigilance like I could never describe... the slightest sound, or even just the wrong look from the daughter who wanted me dead was enough to send me right over the edge into panic soup so thick I couldn't even swim to the edge.

I had tried nearly every medication under the sun, one of them nearly killing me from the violent reactions I had. I gained 40lbs... I was pure misery, sicker than before...

Even once I finally landed on the medication that lightened my darkness a little bit, it still fell horribly short. I still had out of control social anxiety, and lived constantly in high alert. Pure torment... every single moment of being awake was a combination of excruciating physical pain and mental torture.

I drew this picture while in the midst of it, because 99% of the time, no matter how bad things got, I still trusted the Lord. I still suffered and grieved every second FOR Him.... So take note, that though I am depicted in the pit... He was there with me, even if it felt as if He was entirely silent.

You see, contrary to popular American belief, you can be fully depressed and still possess joy. Joy isn't just happy feelings, but is a resting, a resting in the knowledge that even when I struggle to believe that God loves me, I can look at the Bible and know that He does. And trials, well, they teach me better how to cling to Him.

How no earthly person, place or thing can take His place in comforting my aching heart. Yes, of course I've angrily cried to Him... WHY??? The answer that softly jumps into my heart as I read scripture is this... "because I want you to know Me more, to trust Me more, to abandon yourself to Me more." Brokenness (as I've been reading in The Broken Way) It's how our hearts and brokenness are pressed into His brokenness and in turn that creates perfect communion.. Because it's in the breaking that we learn of God's love for us in an even deeper way.