What is love?

I often have occasion hear from and read the frustrations of many foster and adoptive parents;

Many of them complain that they just can't feel the LOVE for this child who is rallying every

single last frustrating, disgusting and or dangerous behavior as a coping mechanism against them.

I totally get it

I do, but I guess I see love differently than most.

Love isn't warm fuzzy feelings, or incredible adoration for your child.

Love, true love is so much more than this;

I guess I see it as a commitment rather than an emotion

and if you commit yourself to act out love

eventually you WILL feel it too,

But it's just not always possible to conjure those type of "emotions". 

I look at the biblical definition of love and I don't see warm squishy there;

I just see actions and behaviors that should be mine in order to accurately display true love. 

 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up.  It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful.  It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends. 

~1 Corinthians 13:4-8~

Yep, not seeing "happy feelings" there.

The truth is, when you are loving even the most lovable person

I mean REALLY loving them

It's impossible to do, but it's important to keep fighting to do it and the only way

we can even imperfectly keep it up is through the Lord's strength.

Because the real truth is:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance.  I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing.  I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.

~Philippians 4:11-13

I want to love, I want to say I'm always patient with the difficult behaviors.

But truth is, I'm human, and fallen and sometimes

 I AM "easily angered" when the attack is SO personal and painful,

sometimes I feel "self serving" I'd seriously like just ONE day without _______ behavior.

Sometimes I catch myself constantly on guard and expecting the worst;

But the Lord asks that I would bear all things, believe all things, hope all things

yep even endure all things. 

OUCH!

But if my hope rests solely in Christ, who strengthens me

I CAN do all His holy will.

Including TRUELY love someone who is at times can be VERY difficult to love.

Pain Beauty

This is an excerpt from my personal journal that I feel compelled to share:

Written on December 15th 2015

I grasped the cart handle tighter as another wave of pain overtook my joints... The nausea and disorientation that ensued made my hands tremble, I blinked slowly trying with all my strength to appear okay as I stood in line waiting to get my prescriptions. Another medication, what is it now... 5 different meds in: Just trying to find one that will help control the body that is attacking itself. 

"Sign here" the pharmacist points at the machine. Just like that my mind goes blank. I can't remember what I am supposed to be signing, that sinking "it's a test" feeling from my school days returns and I feel the tingling and pulses of pain in my hands, a dizzy spell roars in... Oh! My name I remember, fumbling through the fog to jot down my own name. The tremor returns to my hands I scribble something that looks nothing like my name then I quickly jam them into my pockets.  

 I'm so tired, I'm tired of hurting and tired of taking medications, tired of trying to always appear "ok".  

 There is an issue with my insurance and another wave of pain, this one threatening to knock me to the floor. I'm so confused. I hate feeling confused. I feel stupid and embarrassed as I realize how dumb it was that I couldn't remember it was my name I was supposed to sign. 

 Will any of this go away? Or is this just my even newer more unimproved normal? 

I lean hard on the counter and pray silently... "Strength, I need Your strength Lord; to face getting from here to the car!" She retries the insurance and I realize that even in pain I am to savor. So I savor the fact that I have a God who comforts us in the midst of pain. Is the pain any less? No...  is the pain pointless? Again, no. Another flash of nausea and with it... A glorious peace. 

“James 1:12 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.”

You see, God never promised us an easy happy perfect life if we follow Him, in fact, He pretty much promises the opposite. His promise is that we will never walk our hard alone. That he will be with us each step of the way to teach us the true definition of joy, and peace and love. His definition not our shallow Americanized version but something of far greater worth.

“Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

 It is a gift that He knows suffering, and pain not only that, but He endured far worse than I live with because of His love for me. So will I be unwilling to rejoice in the midst of mine in WHO He really is?  I close my eyes as I wait and silently sing I love you Lord. By the time I finally push my cart away from the counter tears are forming from the intensity of the pain but they are also tears of pure joy. 

“James 1:2-4  

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it’s full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

 This is just simply life in our sin-tortured world. There is such beauty in suffering when it’s done with purpose. I smile large through the clenched teeth. Pain~beauty. Peace that passes all understanding. My God is good… all the time, all the time, my God is good!

“Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”

Sunset Fun

I don't actually want you to feel bad....

I don't think it's much of a secret that I live my life with some pretty intense pain,

there have been nights that all I could do was just sob hysterically while my hubby holds me.

Through the years of this I have come to a conclusion;

I actually love that I live in chronic pain.

"what" you must be thinking, "let me reread that, yes, she really did just say she loves it?!"

"oh dear" you are scratching your head, "maybe this whole thing has actually gone to her head!?"

Actually, that is wrong, it's not to my head. 

But rather, to my heart.

Here is the thing, living in pain can leave you breathless and worn.

It can make you cranky and irritable.

It can make you depressed, no not just sad but utterly hopelessly depressed.

But, it also does something else.

It strips ME away

Because I CAN'T be strong enough

I can't be perfect and never get irritated (even on a good day)

I can't fix my sick body

The only thing left to me is simple and yet one of the hardest things to do in life.

The only thing I can do is cry out to my Lord 

and when I do

sometimes there is silence 

but then when I let go of more of me, pealing away the layers of selfishness

bitterness, anger, unbelief, and any number of other ways I am not focused on His face

and then, oh the peace, the contentment even in pain.

Even as my body wages war against me

there is such joy. 

So when you ask me how I am today...

and I answer, "it's a bad day"

I never ever want you to grapple with what to say

Because truth is, bad pain days are excellent opportunities to learn more about the God who

loves me, cares for me and gives me peace and faith.

I'd NEVER go back and undo the pain, the depression or the anxieties of the past

because each moment of it is for His purpose 

in me.

It has shown me in a deeper way than I ever would have known

His comfort in the dark.

It has taught me what is truly important in life.

It constantly reminds me how broken and lost this world is

and how desperately important it is for me to live for Him

not myself and my desires!

I am nothing amazing, I'm not writing this to say

"hey look, I've got it all together"

because that is SO not true!

I am broken, I DO get cranky and blow it, I do struggle with depression and horrible
anxiety attacks yes even with meds and counseling.

I fail constantly.

But I also know that my Lord has extended grace to me and will continue to do so.

I know that He has purpose for me and all of this continues to build that purpose 

into HIS story for my life.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

(even if I might occasionally REALLY like to have a break from the worn and weary road!)

And I am so incredibly thankful that He doesn't see my failures but He sees
me as beautiful and perfectly clean because
He sees me through Jesus's sacrifice on my behalf.

So please, don't try to find something to say when I say my pain is bad,

but rather rejoice with me for the opportunity to turn again to my Savior
 and walk in theway that He has for me!

An Adventure

For Bunny and Princess Chocolate Curls

"Princess Chocolate Curls," Bunny stated with great confidence "we need an adventure!"

Princess Chocolate Curls looked at Bunny and scrunched up her nose, "I quite agree Bunny, how shall we go about discovering one?" 

"Well, " Bunny said thoughtfully "I heard once about a friendly dragon named Percy here in our woods, I was told that he loves little girls with curly hair and that if they will simply tell him a funny story, he will give them a WHOLE bag of treasure" 

"TREASURE?!" Princess exclaimed "what type of treasure? Is it gold or sparkly jewels perhaps?"

Bunny was now the one to wrinkle her nose "oh heavens no Chocolate Curls, it's carrots which is a much more precious treasure than gold or sparkly jewels!" 

And so Bunny and Princess Chocolate curls set off to find Mr. Percy Dragon.  They walked a little way when Chocolate Curls suggested that they try to see further away. 

"Bunny, if I give you a boost, do you think you could look and see what direction looks like a dragon home type of direction?"  Chocolate Curls asked already lifting Bunny towards a tree branch. 

"Umph... I think... Maybe... To the south would be a good place for a dragon to be." Bunny stated as she began to wiggle her way back out of the tree.

"Well then, off we go to the south dragon home way!" Chocolate Curls squealed with delight as she helped Bunny down the rest of the way from her tree top lookout.

 The two began walking again in the beautiful crisp fall air! They delighted in the golden leaves that fluttered to the ground all about them as they carried on with their journey. 

"Oh Bunny!" Chocolate Curls giggled with delight and hugged her best friend close "you silly thing!" "Bunny?" Chocolate Curls exclaimed slightly out of breath "I don't suppose that we could stop and take a bit of a rest from our Mr. Percy Dragon hunt could we?" 

Bunny pursed her lips and wiggled her nose, the thought of waiting even longer for that amazing treasure that Mr. Percy was sure to have made her tummy growl. But she was a faithful friend and her Princess Chocolate Curls was worth the wait! Bunny looked above her and pointed at an old tree, "perhaps a short rest up there, it might afford us a peak at a dragon home and provide the needed rest all at the same time mighten it?" 

So together the two of them made their way up up up the old tree, they looked around and took a deep breath.  While sitting there a terrible thought occured to Chocolate Curls. 

"Say Bunny?" she said slowly... "This Mr. Percy Dragon, when you said he loves little girls with curls... You didn't... ummm, you didn't mean he loves them to eat did you?" 

Bunny's eyes grew wide, "Why Princess Chocolate Curls!! I would NEVER take you to a curly girl eating dragon!"  

  Completely satisfied by Bunny's declaration Princess Chocolate Curls hopped up, took Bunny's hand and the two of them began again on their adventure. 

 Bunny hopped up and down the trail leading the way when they came to a stump that once held a mighty tree, possibly the mightiest of the forest. Chocolate Curls jumped atop the stump and immediately wondered aloud, "Bunny, do you suppose that these mushrooms are growing here in the center of the dragon sized stump to help us or to hinder us?"

Bunny squinted at the seemingly magical mushrooms and shook her head, "I wouldn't think we should try, I think it's possibly to risky! How about we just decide that they are poison and we'd better let them be, just in case they might turn us into toads covered in warts!" 

Chocolate Curls shuddered "BLAH! warts?! No thank you!" she declaired with wide eyes! On they went through the forest, looking for Mr. Percy Dragon. 

 After quite some time along the way, they came to a very very narrow bridge above a giant pit of lava. Just the sort of pit Chocolate Curls thought would be closest to a Mr. Percy Dragon type of home. 

 She and Bunny carefully made their way across the dangerous bridge; and once to the other side they decided to take yet another little rest. 

 "Bunny my dearest friend," she sighed "surely we are getting close, because of course there was lava, and everyone knows that lava is most certainly a sign of a dragon."

Bunny patted her tummy with certainty, "yes, I quite agree! We may come to Mr. Percy Dragon's house anytime now!" 

 "I do hope so! For it would be quite a thing to tell others all about how I made a dragon laugh with my funny stories!"

 "Well, perhaps we should be on our way again then, I've a feeling the sun is nearly setting and your mommy will be calling us home soon!" Bunny said hopping to her feet. 

 Chocolate Curls nodded and rose to her feet slowly, "Quite right."

Low and behold around the next bend they made their discovery!  Princess Chocolate curls clasped her hands together and squealed with delight! "Bunny my dear, you are brilliant! We've found it, this MUST be Mr. Percy Dragon's house, just look at those burn marks on the side of it, he must have had a cold recently and accidentally sneezed a fire on it!" 

Bunny's boldness suddenly seemed to fail, "Chocolate Curls my very precious friend, I  just realized something, don't believe I've ever heard if rabbits live after visits with Mr. Percy Dragon, perhaps I shouldn't venture any closer to his front door?" with that thought Bunny carefully tucked herself into a little crack in the rocks. 

Chocolate Curls thought for a moment then stated quite confidently, "why Bunny, you are my BEST friend, and... I am after all royalty, so I can quite promise that Mr. Percy Dragon will love you as well." She put her hands on her hips quite in charge of the situation, and now that the thrill and excitement of reaching his home had taken over she quickly added "Here my dear friend, let me give you a boost to see if you can find his front door." And with that she lifted Bunny to the top of the abode. 

"What can you see?" Chocolate Curls called out. 

After a moment Bunny crept to the edge of the rock, "Nothing, I see nothing but a giant metal ring, shall I imagine it's his door knocker and bang it?" 

"Oh my YES, by all means, knock it!" she replied.

With all her strength Bunny lifted the metal ring and then dropped it again... And again and again. But there was no answer. Bunny scrambled down the rocks "Nothing Chocolate Curls, simply nothing. I do believe we've missed Mr. Percy Dragon for the day, I am so very heart broken, I did ever so want some carrots." 

Chocolate Curls bent down low and scooped Bunny into her arms. "Oh Bunny darling! Don't cry! Don't worry, I'm certain that Mommy has some carrots safe and sound in our fridge. It's okay if we don't get to have Mr. Percy Dragon's carrots! It was the adventure that mattered the very most, that and just being with you; my  Bunny!"

Bunny wiped away a tear and smiled sweetly at Princess Chocolate Curls, "I love you my beautiful Princess, you and every single one of your beautiful bouncy curls!" 

The Princess smiled wide, bounced a curl and then gave Bunny a kiss. "You are the best Bunny in the world!" she replied happily... 

"Now," she said "shall we head home? I think I hear mommy calling."

"Yes, and carrots too, I hear the carrots too." Bunny replied "Oh, hey, Princess Chocolate Curls? Have you ever heard about Stewart Elf? I've been told that he gives away strawberries.... Perhaps we could adventure again tomorrow?" 

Chocolate Curls stopped in her tracks... "Oh Bunny! You silly girl!"

Super sweet family Sneak Peak!

my OWN kitchen remodel!

So, I think it's high time I finally get some pictures and show off all our hard work on our Kitchen!

Hubby and I did everything ourselves except installing the countertops!

This is the view when you walk into the kitchen.

To the left

to the right

and of course facing back towards the living area

I ADORE my new hammered copper farmhouse sink and faucet!

why YES you did see sparkles on my counter tops!

I ADORE my black quartz counters complete with sparkles

Repainted, new countertops, hardwood flooring, glass subway tile backsplash, 

sink and faucet, light fixtures

as well as new dishwasher, fridge and stovetop

Added new shelving as well!

We also FINALLY after living here for 12.5 years put knobs and handles on the cabinets too!