I don't actually want you to feel bad....

I don't think it's much of a secret that I live my life with some pretty intense pain,

there have been nights that all I could do was just sob hysterically while my hubby holds me.

Through the years of this I have come to a conclusion;

I actually love that I live in chronic pain.

"what" you must be thinking, "let me reread that, yes, she really did just say she loves it?!"

"oh dear" you are scratching your head, "maybe this whole thing has actually gone to her head!?"

Actually, that is wrong, it's not to my head. 

But rather, to my heart.

Here is the thing, living in pain can leave you breathless and worn.

It can make you cranky and irritable.

It can make you depressed, no not just sad but utterly hopelessly depressed.

But, it also does something else.

It strips ME away

Because I CAN'T be strong enough

I can't be perfect and never get irritated (even on a good day)

I can't fix my sick body

The only thing left to me is simple and yet one of the hardest things to do in life.

The only thing I can do is cry out to my Lord 

and when I do

sometimes there is silence 

but then when I let go of more of me, pealing away the layers of selfishness

bitterness, anger, unbelief, and any number of other ways I am not focused on His face

and then, oh the peace, the contentment even in pain.

Even as my body wages war against me

there is such joy. 

So when you ask me how I am today...

and I answer, "it's a bad day"

I never ever want you to grapple with what to say

Because truth is, bad pain days are excellent opportunities to learn more about the God who

loves me, cares for me and gives me peace and faith.

I'd NEVER go back and undo the pain, the depression or the anxieties of the past

because each moment of it is for His purpose 

in me.

It has shown me in a deeper way than I ever would have known

His comfort in the dark.

It has taught me what is truly important in life.

It constantly reminds me how broken and lost this world is

and how desperately important it is for me to live for Him

not myself and my desires!

I am nothing amazing, I'm not writing this to say

"hey look, I've got it all together"

because that is SO not true!

I am broken, I DO get cranky and blow it, I do struggle with depression and horrible
anxiety attacks yes even with meds and counseling.

I fail constantly.

But I also know that my Lord has extended grace to me and will continue to do so.

I know that He has purpose for me and all of this continues to build that purpose 

into HIS story for my life.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

(even if I might occasionally REALLY like to have a break from the worn and weary road!)

And I am so incredibly thankful that He doesn't see my failures but He sees
me as beautiful and perfectly clean because
He sees me through Jesus's sacrifice on my behalf.

So please, don't try to find something to say when I say my pain is bad,

but rather rejoice with me for the opportunity to turn again to my Savior
 and walk in theway that He has for me!