My Family

Our family has been through a lot... and when I say a lot, that seems to fall short.

We've faced so many things in the 17 years that we've been married (as of next Saturday)

But nothing compares to how hard the past few years have been for us as an entire family.

We had no idea when we brought our now 14 year old daughter home almost 3 years ago.

We had NO idea.

That we had been lied to about her past,

 that she had the struggles she did, 

that we would all end up living in a constant state of hyper vigilance just fighting daily to survive.

We had no idea how hard it would be to love and to walk through endless hours of trauma

parenting and then be rejected and pushed away time after time after time.

We had no idea the toll this would take on my health,

physically and emotionally.

Last year during the summer at one point of trying yet another medication to try to control

my out of control pain from fibromyalgia I had a major MAJOR reaction to the medication.

The end result of being on that medication was that I gained 40lbs in about 2 weeks,

and along with that, my pain and in turn my depression grew worse.

There was a point last November

where I couldn't imagine carrying on anymore.

That was the breaking point of everything.

Our daughter had to leave our home for residential treatment,

I realized that I HAD to have help, more help than I was getting in that moment.

I began Neuro Feed Back Therapy

which has absolutely changed my life.

I was officially diagnosed with SEVERE PTSD and Clinical Depression.

Only a month of FeedBack therapy and my depression lifted

 and has only visited for a few hours at most since. 

My kids began to pour out every few weeks the things

 they had been bottling, hiding and living in fear about. 

Things came out all over the place at home and in therapy.

And bit by bit, little by little my family is returning to normal.

but not normal. Wiser, stronger, healed, and redeemed. 

Our daughter is still in residential, shortly to be moved into a treatment foster care situation;

prayerfully with a local private agency that I happen to work with through The Forgotten Initiative.

Easter, it's the MOST important celebration in my entire life; because it IS life

however;

it's also such a hard reminder that she has rejected God & she has rejected us.

She prefers to live in an institution over having a family that loves her.

That hurts

DEEP

But we keep praying.

My husband is a phenomenal man, 

and he keeps pouring all of his time with her into sharing Scripture with her. 

It's the focus of his visits and I admire him more than words could ever 

say for his passion to simply try to lead her to the one and only thing in this life that can 

save her from herself.

And so, because of these things;

the loss, the heartache, the PTSD, & anxiety, the healed depression,

the nearly healed fibromyalgia, 

the now functioning thyroid that was practically dead before,

the loss of about 36 lbs since last year

The regaining of health and delight in life

it's HUGE and I needed so much to have portraits of our family;

our family of amazing not only survivors but also thrivers.

We are going to be okay.

Yep, it was time for portraits.

enjoy... 

Purity Blanket....

to my son... on the bring of manhood:

 As you continue on the journey through your teen years I want to give you this blanket, But it's more than just a blanket... It's a reminder that one day the Lord will likely bring a wife to you and it will be your job to protect her, to honor her, to love her unconditionally. The most precious gift that the Lord will give you on this earth. In that love you will be given the task of protecting her dignity.

 To protect her dignity is to remember that this promise is not only to love her but also to forsake all others. These teen years, they are confusing, hard and sometimes the constant flux is enough to drive a guy crazy. In the craziness I want you to always remember thisthis: your job as your wife's defender and protector has already started. 

 Protect your purity, protect your mind and protect your heart. Hold it close and don't fall into the lusts of the flesh that this world pushes down your throat every single day. Anytime you feel tempted to just let go and enjoy the rotten fruit the world is selling, stop and remember that one day your beautiful bride WILL come. 

 I pray that on that day, that through the Lord alone you are able to place this blanket into her arms and tell her how you valiantly fought for her dignity in order to present to her yourself, pure of heart in a broken world. 

 This is your

 purity blanket

I love you SO much

 Yet another AMAZING, Fabulous, incredible blanket from:

Dignify

Sparkle (take two)

Beautiful, sweet and spunky... 

You girl live your live with a vivd light that just shines

I pray that you will engaged all of your passionate vibrance into loving the Lord.

I pray that you will be such a star for the Lord and will encourage others on in their relationship

with Him every single day!

sparkle...

It is my prayer little ones that you will live your lives with one purpose and one purpose only;

to bring glory to the Lord and worship Him forever.

The way you do that?

you reflect His love on this hurting dark world...

Sparkle

His smile LIGHTS up a room with sparkles!

He is super helpful and strong and always looking to love on you, 

all you have to do is bend down onto his level.

I pray that the Lord protects and keeps your heart little man, I pray that you become a 

gentle and quiet leader shining your God's love on those near you.

She lights up my life with her fairy like sparkles, 

&
 just a hint of mischief 

she is a gift and a promise to my heart and I see the Lord every time I see her!

I pray that day by day she will commit her ways to the Lord, use that mischief and 

make big waves in her small portion of this world with that instant ability to sparkle us all!

one of the key elements to this time together were the cookies done by:

Cookie Creations by JC

Her work is AMAZING and far exceeded my expectations! 

She is such a treasure...
A little ball of sparkle in her entire strong personality!
She is a gift that I truly believe the Lord will use to shine His love on this world in an amazing way.
I pray that every single day she rests in her Lord, remembering that she is made new in His love.

Her little smile lights up the world when she shares it.

Careful and cautious and full of depth this girl is...

Beautiful because of it, because you know that when she sparkles for you...

it is REAL. Praying precious girl that you grow into a young woman who desires 

nothing more but to bestow your brightness in deep ways that will change lives

and make you shine like the star you are!

Did you know that Evelyn means; "living light" and that is just what she is in my life,

my sparkle! If ever a quote fit a little girl it is this one:

"Leave a little sparkle wherever you go..." 

I pray that as she grows up that is exactly what she does, 

show the world the sparkle that the Lord has given to her! 

This sweet spunky girl, I call her princess sunshine, again for much the same reason

in her life, the Lord is SO glorified and He is to be praised for her story.

She shines His provision and His love every single day!
I pray that she will delight in purity and in her Lord every step of the way
I pray that she continues to be "sunshine" to everyone she meets!

She is pure and spotless and fully loved by her Lord.

She is a gift and a promise fulfilled

Her sweet, yet fierce countenance will enable her to great things, just like her mama.

I pray that the Lord would continually bestow grace for each step of 

her journey, and peace. I pray that He will lift her life up as the pure and spotless bride of Christ.

Pain Beauty

This is an excerpt from my personal journal that I feel compelled to share:

Written on December 15th 2015

I grasped the cart handle tighter as another wave of pain overtook my joints... The nausea and disorientation that ensued made my hands tremble, I blinked slowly trying with all my strength to appear okay as I stood in line waiting to get my prescriptions. Another medication, what is it now... 5 different meds in: Just trying to find one that will help control the body that is attacking itself. 

"Sign here" the pharmacist points at the machine. Just like that my mind goes blank. I can't remember what I am supposed to be signing, that sinking "it's a test" feeling from my school days returns and I feel the tingling and pulses of pain in my hands, a dizzy spell roars in... Oh! My name I remember, fumbling through the fog to jot down my own name. The tremor returns to my hands I scribble something that looks nothing like my name then I quickly jam them into my pockets.  

 I'm so tired, I'm tired of hurting and tired of taking medications, tired of trying to always appear "ok".  

 There is an issue with my insurance and another wave of pain, this one threatening to knock me to the floor. I'm so confused. I hate feeling confused. I feel stupid and embarrassed as I realize how dumb it was that I couldn't remember it was my name I was supposed to sign. 

 Will any of this go away? Or is this just my even newer more unimproved normal? 

I lean hard on the counter and pray silently... "Strength, I need Your strength Lord; to face getting from here to the car!" She retries the insurance and I realize that even in pain I am to savor. So I savor the fact that I have a God who comforts us in the midst of pain. Is the pain any less? No...  is the pain pointless? Again, no. Another flash of nausea and with it... A glorious peace. 

“James 1:12 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.”

You see, God never promised us an easy happy perfect life if we follow Him, in fact, He pretty much promises the opposite. His promise is that we will never walk our hard alone. That he will be with us each step of the way to teach us the true definition of joy, and peace and love. His definition not our shallow Americanized version but something of far greater worth.

“Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

 It is a gift that He knows suffering, and pain not only that, but He endured far worse than I live with because of His love for me. So will I be unwilling to rejoice in the midst of mine in WHO He really is?  I close my eyes as I wait and silently sing I love you Lord. By the time I finally push my cart away from the counter tears are forming from the intensity of the pain but they are also tears of pure joy. 

“James 1:2-4  

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it’s full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

 This is just simply life in our sin-tortured world. There is such beauty in suffering when it’s done with purpose. I smile large through the clenched teeth. Pain~beauty. Peace that passes all understanding. My God is good… all the time, all the time, my God is good!

“Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”