My Family

Our family has been through a lot... and when I say a lot, that seems to fall short.

We've faced so many things in the 17 years that we've been married (as of next Saturday)

But nothing compares to how hard the past few years have been for us as an entire family.

We had no idea when we brought our now 14 year old daughter home almost 3 years ago.

We had NO idea.

That we had been lied to about her past,

 that she had the struggles she did, 

that we would all end up living in a constant state of hyper vigilance just fighting daily to survive.

We had no idea how hard it would be to love and to walk through endless hours of trauma

parenting and then be rejected and pushed away time after time after time.

We had no idea the toll this would take on my health,

physically and emotionally.

Last year during the summer at one point of trying yet another medication to try to control

my out of control pain from fibromyalgia I had a major MAJOR reaction to the medication.

The end result of being on that medication was that I gained 40lbs in about 2 weeks,

and along with that, my pain and in turn my depression grew worse.

There was a point last November

where I couldn't imagine carrying on anymore.

That was the breaking point of everything.

Our daughter had to leave our home for residential treatment,

I realized that I HAD to have help, more help than I was getting in that moment.

I began Neuro Feed Back Therapy

which has absolutely changed my life.

I was officially diagnosed with SEVERE PTSD and Clinical Depression.

Only a month of FeedBack therapy and my depression lifted

 and has only visited for a few hours at most since. 

My kids began to pour out every few weeks the things

 they had been bottling, hiding and living in fear about. 

Things came out all over the place at home and in therapy.

And bit by bit, little by little my family is returning to normal.

but not normal. Wiser, stronger, healed, and redeemed. 

Our daughter is still in residential, shortly to be moved into a treatment foster care situation;

prayerfully with a local private agency that I happen to work with through The Forgotten Initiative.

Easter, it's the MOST important celebration in my entire life; because it IS life

however;

it's also such a hard reminder that she has rejected God & she has rejected us.

She prefers to live in an institution over having a family that loves her.

That hurts

DEEP

But we keep praying.

My husband is a phenomenal man, 

and he keeps pouring all of his time with her into sharing Scripture with her. 

It's the focus of his visits and I admire him more than words could ever 

say for his passion to simply try to lead her to the one and only thing in this life that can 

save her from herself.

And so, because of these things;

the loss, the heartache, the PTSD, & anxiety, the healed depression,

the nearly healed fibromyalgia, 

the now functioning thyroid that was practically dead before,

the loss of about 36 lbs since last year

The regaining of health and delight in life

it's HUGE and I needed so much to have portraits of our family;

our family of amazing not only survivors but also thrivers.

We are going to be okay.

Yep, it was time for portraits.

enjoy... 

My warrior

My warrior

He fights every single day, 

Seizures, Asthma, Autism, Sensory Input

He fights

and he is marvelous and amazing!

A year ago when he had to have his appendix removed

I brought him Bentley the dog.

He and Bentley have been inseparable since.

Anytime we have to go to the dr for a scary test or he has to be away from me for a time

Bentley goes too and he keeps all the kisses that my Bean has for me and then
Bentley delivers them later.

And now... this kid who wasn't going to live past 3 months old

He is 10 and I am blessed beyond words to still have him with me. 

a little of life...

I just never know what to blog anymore...

Things are never EASY street around here, but they are good.

God is Good!

The battle rages on for our Princess Sparkles heart

many times things are great

but every now and then that ugly PTSD rears it's head and we spend weeks 

fighting through the trauma and the ugly results of 

adults sinning in unimaginable ways.

But God is Good! 

He has such a beautiful plan for her

He has her heart, even in the hard and the awful He has her

She should be a shell of a person folks, 

but she has such a deep joy in her spirit and she loves Jesus.

There is NO way I can describe to you what her simple childlike faith

does for mine

God is Good

and He carried her through the unthinkable!!!

Bean's health continues to go down hill,

he struggles to breathe again every day

seizures, meds, pain, 

ugly it's all ugly

and yet

God is Good

Autism Awareness Day

Yes, in the two years that we have finally had a diagnosis
I have made a big deal of April 2nd.

But to be completely honest, I don't do it for awareness
I am my kids advocates and I try to raise awareness for their needs
and the amazing ways that they contribute to this world
every... single... day...

We fight battles with insurance companies
I fight waiting lists to get the best care
I spend hours upon hours studying what ways I can help my kids
so that they can function in this great big world.

So, awareness isn't the reason....

The reason I make a big deal
is
for
THEM

I make it a day to celebrate them
to celebrate their autism and the fact that God makes
each one of us unique and that HE has a plan for
kids with autism just as much as He has a plan
for a kiddo who is typical

We wear blue and we go to the zoo
I'm not there to show off to people
I'm there to celebrate my kids and help them thrive in
public even when it's hard.

Yesterday was HARD
We raised some eyebrows.
I didn't even think about the fact that it was spring break
Wowzers!

They both struggled
but they made it through

and that my friends is success and that is what autism is.
It IS hard, but it is also a million tiny successes



(now, I want to clarify that I in NO way agree with or align myself with Autism Speaks, since we wore blue)

This blog says it best:
Why I am against Autism Speaks and you should be too

awareness...

There seems to be a trend within the special needs community online

and it really bothers me.

I see parents filming their children at their worst and sharing it on social media

or getting online and talking about it to the open world of Facebook.

Here is the thing that bothers me most about this;

It totally disrespects the child's privacy.

Would you want someone filming you falling apart?

Filming you just when you are at your lowest and then sharing it with the world?

I get it, parents need/want support.

There is nothing wrong with that need

but there is something 

SO

totally wrong about exploiting your child in order

to fill that need/want.

Venting to a few trusted people

is perfectly fine...

Sharing your child's struggles with the world

not... so... much....

Parents, please think before you raise "awareness" at your child's 

expense.

Autism; explanations are a beautiful thing

This month marks the one year anniversary of getting the autism diagnosis

for our Beans (9yrs old), June marks it for Princess Sparkles (12yrs old).

Having had a year to digest exactly what it means to now have a label

and how it effects our every day life

I thought I'd share a few of the things I've learned.

Something that I've come to realize is that while they won't lead "typical" lives

it doesn't mean that they lead "disabled" lives.

They aren't their label, they aren't their diagnosis

and I refuse to allow a diagnosis to define who they are.

Hence the title of my new writing home.

Having a diagnosis is a blessing, a HUGE blessing

although it brought with it such resounding grief when it was given

now a year later I see it more as an explanation

and a purpose.

We have an explanation now so we can help our kids conquer even more 

effectively than ever! 

As I tell them both OFTEN

"Your autism is not an excuse, it's a reason. 

Your autism doesn't hold you back, 

it's the fire you need to move forward; fighting twice as hard."

Meltdowns happen

systems get overstimulated

learning certain things comes harder

understanding social cues feels impossible

But I KNOW they can do it

Not because of my sheer will but because my autistic children are

BRILLIANT

in their own amazing ways

We navigate the meltdowns,

we give input to the senses or shield input as needed

we fight twice as hard to learn in creative ways

we watch and practice and talk it through

Because they CAN if we enable them.

It is such a beautiful thing to think that once you have the diagnosis you

can leave that "winter" behind.

the time of not knowing, second guessing and frustration

and suddenly a whole world opens up to you

your child is explained

and it's like spring is about to come anew!

To all the parents out there struggling, 

those with newly diagnosed children

educate yourselves, fight for your child and never ever

hold them back because of a label

Propel them forward in confidence because 

now you have a child who is 

Explained but not Defined!!!

Explained but not defined...

Many labels lay within our home

labels aren't enemies, they are helpful explanations

But above all, those explanations do not define 

who and what we are.

They give us our starting point to become all that the Lord

has for us to become as lights shining for His glory in this fallen world.

I start afresh on a new blogging journey... 

On this new blog I will share with you

encouragement and examples from my own walk with the Lord

the every day REAL life of a wife and mom

who lives with Hashimotos thyroiditis causing hypothyroidism

and chronic back pain.

A mom to 7 kids

Some adopted, some biological

ALL my own 

A mom to some seriously special kiddos 

with Autism, Sensory processing Disorder and a variety

of other cognitive and learning disabilities.

We've struggled through, asthma, epilepsy and more...

A mom with a seriously tender heart who has learned

how to stand up and advocate.

oh and I am and an artist... 

Photography is my happy place.

Welcome to our new blog home

where I hope to share with you how every day we are being explained

but not defined by the diagnosis we've been given

Because our definition is this:

Therefore we have been buried with

 Him through baptism into death, 

so that as Christ was raised from the 

dead through the glory of the Father,

 so we too might walk in newness of life.

~Romans 6:4~