My Family

Our family has been through a lot... and when I say a lot, that seems to fall short.

We've faced so many things in the 17 years that we've been married (as of next Saturday)

But nothing compares to how hard the past few years have been for us as an entire family.

We had no idea when we brought our now 14 year old daughter home almost 3 years ago.

We had NO idea.

That we had been lied to about her past,

 that she had the struggles she did, 

that we would all end up living in a constant state of hyper vigilance just fighting daily to survive.

We had no idea how hard it would be to love and to walk through endless hours of trauma

parenting and then be rejected and pushed away time after time after time.

We had no idea the toll this would take on my health,

physically and emotionally.

Last year during the summer at one point of trying yet another medication to try to control

my out of control pain from fibromyalgia I had a major MAJOR reaction to the medication.

The end result of being on that medication was that I gained 40lbs in about 2 weeks,

and along with that, my pain and in turn my depression grew worse.

There was a point last November

where I couldn't imagine carrying on anymore.

That was the breaking point of everything.

Our daughter had to leave our home for residential treatment,

I realized that I HAD to have help, more help than I was getting in that moment.

I began Neuro Feed Back Therapy

which has absolutely changed my life.

I was officially diagnosed with SEVERE PTSD and Clinical Depression.

Only a month of FeedBack therapy and my depression lifted

 and has only visited for a few hours at most since. 

My kids began to pour out every few weeks the things

 they had been bottling, hiding and living in fear about. 

Things came out all over the place at home and in therapy.

And bit by bit, little by little my family is returning to normal.

but not normal. Wiser, stronger, healed, and redeemed. 

Our daughter is still in residential, shortly to be moved into a treatment foster care situation;

prayerfully with a local private agency that I happen to work with through The Forgotten Initiative.

Easter, it's the MOST important celebration in my entire life; because it IS life

however;

it's also such a hard reminder that she has rejected God & she has rejected us.

She prefers to live in an institution over having a family that loves her.

That hurts

DEEP

But we keep praying.

My husband is a phenomenal man, 

and he keeps pouring all of his time with her into sharing Scripture with her. 

It's the focus of his visits and I admire him more than words could ever 

say for his passion to simply try to lead her to the one and only thing in this life that can 

save her from herself.

And so, because of these things;

the loss, the heartache, the PTSD, & anxiety, the healed depression,

the nearly healed fibromyalgia, 

the now functioning thyroid that was practically dead before,

the loss of about 36 lbs since last year

The regaining of health and delight in life

it's HUGE and I needed so much to have portraits of our family;

our family of amazing not only survivors but also thrivers.

We are going to be okay.

Yep, it was time for portraits.

enjoy... 

Pain Beauty

This is an excerpt from my personal journal that I feel compelled to share:

Written on December 15th 2015

I grasped the cart handle tighter as another wave of pain overtook my joints... The nausea and disorientation that ensued made my hands tremble, I blinked slowly trying with all my strength to appear okay as I stood in line waiting to get my prescriptions. Another medication, what is it now... 5 different meds in: Just trying to find one that will help control the body that is attacking itself. 

"Sign here" the pharmacist points at the machine. Just like that my mind goes blank. I can't remember what I am supposed to be signing, that sinking "it's a test" feeling from my school days returns and I feel the tingling and pulses of pain in my hands, a dizzy spell roars in... Oh! My name I remember, fumbling through the fog to jot down my own name. The tremor returns to my hands I scribble something that looks nothing like my name then I quickly jam them into my pockets.  

 I'm so tired, I'm tired of hurting and tired of taking medications, tired of trying to always appear "ok".  

 There is an issue with my insurance and another wave of pain, this one threatening to knock me to the floor. I'm so confused. I hate feeling confused. I feel stupid and embarrassed as I realize how dumb it was that I couldn't remember it was my name I was supposed to sign. 

 Will any of this go away? Or is this just my even newer more unimproved normal? 

I lean hard on the counter and pray silently... "Strength, I need Your strength Lord; to face getting from here to the car!" She retries the insurance and I realize that even in pain I am to savor. So I savor the fact that I have a God who comforts us in the midst of pain. Is the pain any less? No...  is the pain pointless? Again, no. Another flash of nausea and with it... A glorious peace. 

“James 1:12 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.”

You see, God never promised us an easy happy perfect life if we follow Him, in fact, He pretty much promises the opposite. His promise is that we will never walk our hard alone. That he will be with us each step of the way to teach us the true definition of joy, and peace and love. His definition not our shallow Americanized version but something of far greater worth.

“Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

 It is a gift that He knows suffering, and pain not only that, but He endured far worse than I live with because of His love for me. So will I be unwilling to rejoice in the midst of mine in WHO He really is?  I close my eyes as I wait and silently sing I love you Lord. By the time I finally push my cart away from the counter tears are forming from the intensity of the pain but they are also tears of pure joy. 

“James 1:2-4  

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it’s full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

 This is just simply life in our sin-tortured world. There is such beauty in suffering when it’s done with purpose. I smile large through the clenched teeth. Pain~beauty. Peace that passes all understanding. My God is good… all the time, all the time, my God is good!

“Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”

I don't actually want you to feel bad....

I don't think it's much of a secret that I live my life with some pretty intense pain,

there have been nights that all I could do was just sob hysterically while my hubby holds me.

Through the years of this I have come to a conclusion;

I actually love that I live in chronic pain.

"what" you must be thinking, "let me reread that, yes, she really did just say she loves it?!"

"oh dear" you are scratching your head, "maybe this whole thing has actually gone to her head!?"

Actually, that is wrong, it's not to my head. 

But rather, to my heart.

Here is the thing, living in pain can leave you breathless and worn.

It can make you cranky and irritable.

It can make you depressed, no not just sad but utterly hopelessly depressed.

But, it also does something else.

It strips ME away

Because I CAN'T be strong enough

I can't be perfect and never get irritated (even on a good day)

I can't fix my sick body

The only thing left to me is simple and yet one of the hardest things to do in life.

The only thing I can do is cry out to my Lord 

and when I do

sometimes there is silence 

but then when I let go of more of me, pealing away the layers of selfishness

bitterness, anger, unbelief, and any number of other ways I am not focused on His face

and then, oh the peace, the contentment even in pain.

Even as my body wages war against me

there is such joy. 

So when you ask me how I am today...

and I answer, "it's a bad day"

I never ever want you to grapple with what to say

Because truth is, bad pain days are excellent opportunities to learn more about the God who

loves me, cares for me and gives me peace and faith.

I'd NEVER go back and undo the pain, the depression or the anxieties of the past

because each moment of it is for His purpose 

in me.

It has shown me in a deeper way than I ever would have known

His comfort in the dark.

It has taught me what is truly important in life.

It constantly reminds me how broken and lost this world is

and how desperately important it is for me to live for Him

not myself and my desires!

I am nothing amazing, I'm not writing this to say

"hey look, I've got it all together"

because that is SO not true!

I am broken, I DO get cranky and blow it, I do struggle with depression and horrible
anxiety attacks yes even with meds and counseling.

I fail constantly.

But I also know that my Lord has extended grace to me and will continue to do so.

I know that He has purpose for me and all of this continues to build that purpose 

into HIS story for my life.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

(even if I might occasionally REALLY like to have a break from the worn and weary road!)

And I am so incredibly thankful that He doesn't see my failures but He sees
me as beautiful and perfectly clean because
He sees me through Jesus's sacrifice on my behalf.

So please, don't try to find something to say when I say my pain is bad,

but rather rejoice with me for the opportunity to turn again to my Savior
 and walk in theway that He has for me!

He is in the raindrops...

Often times

it's so hard to see anything clearly, 

to see anything except the darkest parts of the 

storm around me.

Every moment can be a battle;

a battle to be waged against that darkest part of the storm

not allowing it to settle in is sometimes impossible

the real goal is to see the beauty in the darkness,

the intricacy and the good that the storm can bring...

You sometimes have to look hard

to look beyond the bigger picture...

look closer and closer until you see it:

FIGHT to look closer...

My encouragement to those of you who are also suffering

keep looking, this flower is beautiful, the raindrop is pretty...

but look EVEN closer:

Because in life's storms... 

The love of God ALWAYS shines through

He takes the wickedness of this world,

the suffering of this world

the pain,

the sorrow

the tragedy

the darkness 

and...

He creates beauty in it

His love, and His glory shine through it

He teaches us bit by bit to become a reflection of HIM

So take heart, no matter what type of sorrow you find yourself in

God is in the storm

and beauty and His light will shine through in the end...

Be encouraged here:

http://familylifetoday.com/program/suffering-well-2/

Explained but not defined...

Many labels lay within our home

labels aren't enemies, they are helpful explanations

But above all, those explanations do not define 

who and what we are.

They give us our starting point to become all that the Lord

has for us to become as lights shining for His glory in this fallen world.

I start afresh on a new blogging journey... 

On this new blog I will share with you

encouragement and examples from my own walk with the Lord

the every day REAL life of a wife and mom

who lives with Hashimotos thyroiditis causing hypothyroidism

and chronic back pain.

A mom to 7 kids

Some adopted, some biological

ALL my own 

A mom to some seriously special kiddos 

with Autism, Sensory processing Disorder and a variety

of other cognitive and learning disabilities.

We've struggled through, asthma, epilepsy and more...

A mom with a seriously tender heart who has learned

how to stand up and advocate.

oh and I am and an artist... 

Photography is my happy place.

Welcome to our new blog home

where I hope to share with you how every day we are being explained

but not defined by the diagnosis we've been given

Because our definition is this:

Therefore we have been buried with

 Him through baptism into death, 

so that as Christ was raised from the 

dead through the glory of the Father,

 so we too might walk in newness of life.

~Romans 6:4~