My Family

Our family has been through a lot... and when I say a lot, that seems to fall short.

We've faced so many things in the 17 years that we've been married (as of next Saturday)

But nothing compares to how hard the past few years have been for us as an entire family.

We had no idea when we brought our now 14 year old daughter home almost 3 years ago.

We had NO idea.

That we had been lied to about her past,

 that she had the struggles she did, 

that we would all end up living in a constant state of hyper vigilance just fighting daily to survive.

We had no idea how hard it would be to love and to walk through endless hours of trauma

parenting and then be rejected and pushed away time after time after time.

We had no idea the toll this would take on my health,

physically and emotionally.

Last year during the summer at one point of trying yet another medication to try to control

my out of control pain from fibromyalgia I had a major MAJOR reaction to the medication.

The end result of being on that medication was that I gained 40lbs in about 2 weeks,

and along with that, my pain and in turn my depression grew worse.

There was a point last November

where I couldn't imagine carrying on anymore.

That was the breaking point of everything.

Our daughter had to leave our home for residential treatment,

I realized that I HAD to have help, more help than I was getting in that moment.

I began Neuro Feed Back Therapy

which has absolutely changed my life.

I was officially diagnosed with SEVERE PTSD and Clinical Depression.

Only a month of FeedBack therapy and my depression lifted

 and has only visited for a few hours at most since. 

My kids began to pour out every few weeks the things

 they had been bottling, hiding and living in fear about. 

Things came out all over the place at home and in therapy.

And bit by bit, little by little my family is returning to normal.

but not normal. Wiser, stronger, healed, and redeemed. 

Our daughter is still in residential, shortly to be moved into a treatment foster care situation;

prayerfully with a local private agency that I happen to work with through The Forgotten Initiative.

Easter, it's the MOST important celebration in my entire life; because it IS life

however;

it's also such a hard reminder that she has rejected God & she has rejected us.

She prefers to live in an institution over having a family that loves her.

That hurts

DEEP

But we keep praying.

My husband is a phenomenal man, 

and he keeps pouring all of his time with her into sharing Scripture with her. 

It's the focus of his visits and I admire him more than words could ever 

say for his passion to simply try to lead her to the one and only thing in this life that can 

save her from herself.

And so, because of these things;

the loss, the heartache, the PTSD, & anxiety, the healed depression,

the nearly healed fibromyalgia, 

the now functioning thyroid that was practically dead before,

the loss of about 36 lbs since last year

The regaining of health and delight in life

it's HUGE and I needed so much to have portraits of our family;

our family of amazing not only survivors but also thrivers.

We are going to be okay.

Yep, it was time for portraits.

enjoy... 

move forward Church...

I'm upset. 

Now, upset is putting it quite mildly. 

I'm upset with the way that our country as a whole cares for orphans

We generally suck.

Yep, I just said that.

Church, you have got to wake up;

you have got to step in and take the care of these precious fragile children back.

It's our job

Seriously, I hear all the time "well I just don't know how that would work"

Guess what; me either, 

but how about we stop scratching our heads and

figure it out

and do it before yet another child falls into state custody.

I get it, they try... sorta, but the truth is, they lie a lot too.

They don't believe in telling the truth, believe me... 

we've been there and we've been asked to lie. 

Thankfully the Lord interfered with the social workers best plans and 

prevented us from being expected to lie to our daughter.

But I still feel appalled that we were even asked to lie to her.

We need to really figure out from a biblical perspective HOW to reach out

to these hurting, traumatized children and show them 

REAL

unconditional love. 

Not just, hey you live here until you screw up to big; and then we'll move you again.

No, these kids need parents who are TRAINED, not warned and scared

but actually trained how to parent these kids

to understand the manipulation and lies and rages that comes from them

and meet them in a correct way to help these kids learn to heal.

Not this garbage of saying "well, it's not their fault" blah blah blah...

We HAVE got to prepare foster and adoptive families better church, 

we need to get our backsides into gear and support those who are called to adopt better.

Educate ourselves so that we too can see the manipulation and stand alongside

the families that have taken on a seemingly insurmountable task.

 it CAN be done, it just requires a whole lot of sacrifice on our part.

we have to give up the "american dream" so to speak, because life after trauma

is not an easy polished pretty picture on your wall.

It's hours upon hours; years upon years

 of agonizing and processing and repeating the same lessons

and forgiveness and love

over and over again with a huge possibility of no return ever.

But it's worth it...

Please Church, wake up, start taking this back over.

I'm not going to lie, it will be one of the hardest things you do

but redemption though costly bloody and ugly is the most beautiful thing in this entire world...

Remember, you've been redeemed through Christ...

now turn around and be 

His hands and feet the children who need to

be given the same? 

I don't have all the answers, but there ARE Christians out there who ARE figuring this out

need resources? 

Here are a few:

The Forgotten Initiative 

(which I am a coordinator for, so feel free to shoot any questions my way!) 

The Bair Foundation

Adoption Assistance Agency

Anything by Karyn Purvis is a great tool

Empowered to connect

I'm partway through reading a book that I also find helpful from a biblical perspective:

Parenting the Difficult Child

A biblical perspective on reactive attachment disorder

What is love?

I often have occasion hear from and read the frustrations of many foster and adoptive parents;

Many of them complain that they just can't feel the LOVE for this child who is rallying every

single last frustrating, disgusting and or dangerous behavior as a coping mechanism against them.

I totally get it

I do, but I guess I see love differently than most.

Love isn't warm fuzzy feelings, or incredible adoration for your child.

Love, true love is so much more than this;

I guess I see it as a commitment rather than an emotion

and if you commit yourself to act out love

eventually you WILL feel it too,

But it's just not always possible to conjure those type of "emotions". 

I look at the biblical definition of love and I don't see warm squishy there;

I just see actions and behaviors that should be mine in order to accurately display true love. 

 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up.  It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful.  It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends. 

~1 Corinthians 13:4-8~

Yep, not seeing "happy feelings" there.

The truth is, when you are loving even the most lovable person

I mean REALLY loving them

It's impossible to do, but it's important to keep fighting to do it and the only way

we can even imperfectly keep it up is through the Lord's strength.

Because the real truth is:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance.  I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing.  I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.

~Philippians 4:11-13

I want to love, I want to say I'm always patient with the difficult behaviors.

But truth is, I'm human, and fallen and sometimes

 I AM "easily angered" when the attack is SO personal and painful,

sometimes I feel "self serving" I'd seriously like just ONE day without _______ behavior.

Sometimes I catch myself constantly on guard and expecting the worst;

But the Lord asks that I would bear all things, believe all things, hope all things

yep even endure all things. 

OUCH!

But if my hope rests solely in Christ, who strengthens me

I CAN do all His holy will.

Including TRUELY love someone who is at times can be VERY difficult to love.

Autism Awareness Day

Yes, in the two years that we have finally had a diagnosis
I have made a big deal of April 2nd.

But to be completely honest, I don't do it for awareness
I am my kids advocates and I try to raise awareness for their needs
and the amazing ways that they contribute to this world
every... single... day...

We fight battles with insurance companies
I fight waiting lists to get the best care
I spend hours upon hours studying what ways I can help my kids
so that they can function in this great big world.

So, awareness isn't the reason....

The reason I make a big deal
is
for
THEM

I make it a day to celebrate them
to celebrate their autism and the fact that God makes
each one of us unique and that HE has a plan for
kids with autism just as much as He has a plan
for a kiddo who is typical

We wear blue and we go to the zoo
I'm not there to show off to people
I'm there to celebrate my kids and help them thrive in
public even when it's hard.

Yesterday was HARD
We raised some eyebrows.
I didn't even think about the fact that it was spring break
Wowzers!

They both struggled
but they made it through

and that my friends is success and that is what autism is.
It IS hard, but it is also a million tiny successes



(now, I want to clarify that I in NO way agree with or align myself with Autism Speaks, since we wore blue)

This blog says it best:
Why I am against Autism Speaks and you should be too

awareness...

There seems to be a trend within the special needs community online

and it really bothers me.

I see parents filming their children at their worst and sharing it on social media

or getting online and talking about it to the open world of Facebook.

Here is the thing that bothers me most about this;

It totally disrespects the child's privacy.

Would you want someone filming you falling apart?

Filming you just when you are at your lowest and then sharing it with the world?

I get it, parents need/want support.

There is nothing wrong with that need

but there is something 

SO

totally wrong about exploiting your child in order

to fill that need/want.

Venting to a few trusted people

is perfectly fine...

Sharing your child's struggles with the world

not... so... much....

Parents, please think before you raise "awareness" at your child's 

expense.