My Family

Our family has been through a lot... and when I say a lot, that seems to fall short.

We've faced so many things in the 17 years that we've been married (as of next Saturday)

But nothing compares to how hard the past few years have been for us as an entire family.

We had no idea when we brought our now 14 year old daughter home almost 3 years ago.

We had NO idea.

That we had been lied to about her past,

 that she had the struggles she did, 

that we would all end up living in a constant state of hyper vigilance just fighting daily to survive.

We had no idea how hard it would be to love and to walk through endless hours of trauma

parenting and then be rejected and pushed away time after time after time.

We had no idea the toll this would take on my health,

physically and emotionally.

Last year during the summer at one point of trying yet another medication to try to control

my out of control pain from fibromyalgia I had a major MAJOR reaction to the medication.

The end result of being on that medication was that I gained 40lbs in about 2 weeks,

and along with that, my pain and in turn my depression grew worse.

There was a point last November

where I couldn't imagine carrying on anymore.

That was the breaking point of everything.

Our daughter had to leave our home for residential treatment,

I realized that I HAD to have help, more help than I was getting in that moment.

I began Neuro Feed Back Therapy

which has absolutely changed my life.

I was officially diagnosed with SEVERE PTSD and Clinical Depression.

Only a month of FeedBack therapy and my depression lifted

 and has only visited for a few hours at most since. 

My kids began to pour out every few weeks the things

 they had been bottling, hiding and living in fear about. 

Things came out all over the place at home and in therapy.

And bit by bit, little by little my family is returning to normal.

but not normal. Wiser, stronger, healed, and redeemed. 

Our daughter is still in residential, shortly to be moved into a treatment foster care situation;

prayerfully with a local private agency that I happen to work with through The Forgotten Initiative.

Easter, it's the MOST important celebration in my entire life; because it IS life

however;

it's also such a hard reminder that she has rejected God & she has rejected us.

She prefers to live in an institution over having a family that loves her.

That hurts

DEEP

But we keep praying.

My husband is a phenomenal man, 

and he keeps pouring all of his time with her into sharing Scripture with her. 

It's the focus of his visits and I admire him more than words could ever 

say for his passion to simply try to lead her to the one and only thing in this life that can 

save her from herself.

And so, because of these things;

the loss, the heartache, the PTSD, & anxiety, the healed depression,

the nearly healed fibromyalgia, 

the now functioning thyroid that was practically dead before,

the loss of about 36 lbs since last year

The regaining of health and delight in life

it's HUGE and I needed so much to have portraits of our family;

our family of amazing not only survivors but also thrivers.

We are going to be okay.

Yep, it was time for portraits.

enjoy... 

Step one... into my healing journey.

 I sat there in complete disbelief... She pointed it out again... "right here, see this red spot on your brain scan? It shows that you have an ischemia... That means that you have very little blood flow through this portion of your brain. The portion that regulates emotions and is directly connected to the amygdala. You have VERY severe PTSD, and it looks like you have also had a traumatic brain injury which is completely inhibiting your ability to correctly process your emotions from the constant traumas you have been living through for the past several years, you are living in a constant state of experiencing these things even when they aren't happening." 

 My eyes rest in wonder and relief on the computer screen where she is showing me my brain mapping... I sigh in relief. Suddenly, I am validated. this isn't just my fault because I can't pull myself together, and 'think happy thoughts, be positive, blah blah blah.'

 "I am beyond amazed that you function as well as you do with the things going on with your brain scan" she continues...  I stare at her feeling... overwhelmed in the best way. We finished up the appointment by discussing all there would be to do with preparing my 'protocol' for this new therapy and the encouragement of change. She felt confident she could help me. 

 Nobody ever felt confident to help me before, most doctors look at me and say "wow, your a complicated case."  I imagine they mean both physically and emotionally.  The best anyone could ever do was hand me a prescription for MORE pills... as if I wasn't already on enough medications just so that I can stand up straight or so that my chronic illnesses won't deprive me of any more abilities than they already have. 

image found on Pinterest

  Sometimes I sit in the Dr. office and feel like they should just spin the wheel of "mis-fortune"  What diagnosis will she win today?? Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, painfully hyper mobility.  Oh and hey, lets give her some herniated disks, and why not SI joint disfunction for playing today...  anyhow...

 Shortly before I headed in to get the Q-EEG in preparation for Neurofeedback therapy,  I had been in the depths of crushing depression, mind shattering anxiety, and constant hyper vigilance like I could never describe... the slightest sound, or even just the wrong look from the daughter who wanted me dead was enough to send me right over the edge into panic soup so thick I couldn't even swim to the edge.  

 I had tried nearly every medication under the sun, one of them nearly killing me from the violent reactions I had. I gained 40lbs... I was pure misery, sicker than before... 

 Even once I finally landed on the medication that lightened my darkness a little bit, it still fell horribly short. I still had out of control social anxiety, and lived constantly in high alert. Pure torment... every single moment of being awake was a combination of excruciating physical pain and mental torture.

 I drew this picture while in the midst of it, because 99% of the time, no matter how bad things got, I still trusted the Lord. I still suffered and grieved every second FOR Him.... So take note, that though I am depicted in the pit... He was there with me, even if it felt as if He was entirely silent. 

 You see, contrary to popular American belief, you can be fully depressed and still possess joy. Joy isn't just happy feelings, but is a resting, a resting in the knowledge that even when I struggle to believe that God loves me, I can look at the Bible and know that He does.  And trials, well, they teach me better how to cling to Him. 

 How no earthly person, place or thing can take His place in comforting my aching heart. Yes, of course I've angrily cried to Him... WHY???  The answer that softly jumps into my heart as I read scripture is this... "because I want you to know Me more, to trust Me more, to abandon yourself to Me more."  Brokenness (as I've been reading in The Broken Way) It's how our hearts and brokenness are pressed into His brokenness and in turn that creates perfect communion.. Because it's in the breaking that we learn of God's love for us in an even deeper way.