Step one... into my healing journey.

 I sat there in complete disbelief... She pointed it out again... "right here, see this red spot on your brain scan? It shows that you have an ischemia... That means that you have very little blood flow through this portion of your brain. The portion that regulates emotions and is directly connected to the amygdala. You have VERY severe PTSD, and it looks like you have also had a traumatic brain injury which is completely inhibiting your ability to correctly process your emotions from the constant traumas you have been living through for the past several years, you are living in a constant state of experiencing these things even when they aren't happening." 

 My eyes rest in wonder and relief on the computer screen where she is showing me my brain mapping... I sigh in relief. Suddenly, I am validated. this isn't just my fault because I can't pull myself together, and 'think happy thoughts, be positive, blah blah blah.'

 "I am beyond amazed that you function as well as you do with the things going on with your brain scan" she continues...  I stare at her feeling... overwhelmed in the best way. We finished up the appointment by discussing all there would be to do with preparing my 'protocol' for this new therapy and the encouragement of change. She felt confident she could help me. 

 Nobody ever felt confident to help me before, most doctors look at me and say "wow, your a complicated case."  I imagine they mean both physically and emotionally.  The best anyone could ever do was hand me a prescription for MORE pills... as if I wasn't already on enough medications just so that I can stand up straight or so that my chronic illnesses won't deprive me of any more abilities than they already have. 

image found on Pinterest

  Sometimes I sit in the Dr. office and feel like they should just spin the wheel of "mis-fortune"  What diagnosis will she win today?? Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, painfully hyper mobility.  Oh and hey, lets give her some herniated disks, and why not SI joint disfunction for playing today...  anyhow...

 Shortly before I headed in to get the Q-EEG in preparation for Neurofeedback therapy,  I had been in the depths of crushing depression, mind shattering anxiety, and constant hyper vigilance like I could never describe... the slightest sound, or even just the wrong look from the daughter who wanted me dead was enough to send me right over the edge into panic soup so thick I couldn't even swim to the edge.  

 I had tried nearly every medication under the sun, one of them nearly killing me from the violent reactions I had. I gained 40lbs... I was pure misery, sicker than before... 

 Even once I finally landed on the medication that lightened my darkness a little bit, it still fell horribly short. I still had out of control social anxiety, and lived constantly in high alert. Pure torment... every single moment of being awake was a combination of excruciating physical pain and mental torture.

 I drew this picture while in the midst of it, because 99% of the time, no matter how bad things got, I still trusted the Lord. I still suffered and grieved every second FOR Him.... So take note, that though I am depicted in the pit... He was there with me, even if it felt as if He was entirely silent. 

 You see, contrary to popular American belief, you can be fully depressed and still possess joy. Joy isn't just happy feelings, but is a resting, a resting in the knowledge that even when I struggle to believe that God loves me, I can look at the Bible and know that He does.  And trials, well, they teach me better how to cling to Him. 

 How no earthly person, place or thing can take His place in comforting my aching heart. Yes, of course I've angrily cried to Him... WHY???  The answer that softly jumps into my heart as I read scripture is this... "because I want you to know Me more, to trust Me more, to abandon yourself to Me more."  Brokenness (as I've been reading in The Broken Way) It's how our hearts and brokenness are pressed into His brokenness and in turn that creates perfect communion.. Because it's in the breaking that we learn of God's love for us in an even deeper way. 

Pain Beauty

This is an excerpt from my personal journal that I feel compelled to share:

Written on December 15th 2015

I grasped the cart handle tighter as another wave of pain overtook my joints... The nausea and disorientation that ensued made my hands tremble, I blinked slowly trying with all my strength to appear okay as I stood in line waiting to get my prescriptions. Another medication, what is it now... 5 different meds in: Just trying to find one that will help control the body that is attacking itself. 

"Sign here" the pharmacist points at the machine. Just like that my mind goes blank. I can't remember what I am supposed to be signing, that sinking "it's a test" feeling from my school days returns and I feel the tingling and pulses of pain in my hands, a dizzy spell roars in... Oh! My name I remember, fumbling through the fog to jot down my own name. The tremor returns to my hands I scribble something that looks nothing like my name then I quickly jam them into my pockets.  

 I'm so tired, I'm tired of hurting and tired of taking medications, tired of trying to always appear "ok".  

 There is an issue with my insurance and another wave of pain, this one threatening to knock me to the floor. I'm so confused. I hate feeling confused. I feel stupid and embarrassed as I realize how dumb it was that I couldn't remember it was my name I was supposed to sign. 

 Will any of this go away? Or is this just my even newer more unimproved normal? 

I lean hard on the counter and pray silently... "Strength, I need Your strength Lord; to face getting from here to the car!" She retries the insurance and I realize that even in pain I am to savor. So I savor the fact that I have a God who comforts us in the midst of pain. Is the pain any less? No...  is the pain pointless? Again, no. Another flash of nausea and with it... A glorious peace. 

“James 1:12 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.”

You see, God never promised us an easy happy perfect life if we follow Him, in fact, He pretty much promises the opposite. His promise is that we will never walk our hard alone. That he will be with us each step of the way to teach us the true definition of joy, and peace and love. His definition not our shallow Americanized version but something of far greater worth.

“Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

 It is a gift that He knows suffering, and pain not only that, but He endured far worse than I live with because of His love for me. So will I be unwilling to rejoice in the midst of mine in WHO He really is?  I close my eyes as I wait and silently sing I love you Lord. By the time I finally push my cart away from the counter tears are forming from the intensity of the pain but they are also tears of pure joy. 

“James 1:2-4  

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it’s full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

 This is just simply life in our sin-tortured world. There is such beauty in suffering when it’s done with purpose. I smile large through the clenched teeth. Pain~beauty. Peace that passes all understanding. My God is good… all the time, all the time, my God is good!

“Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”

I don't actually want you to feel bad....

I don't think it's much of a secret that I live my life with some pretty intense pain,

there have been nights that all I could do was just sob hysterically while my hubby holds me.

Through the years of this I have come to a conclusion;

I actually love that I live in chronic pain.

"what" you must be thinking, "let me reread that, yes, she really did just say she loves it?!"

"oh dear" you are scratching your head, "maybe this whole thing has actually gone to her head!?"

Actually, that is wrong, it's not to my head. 

But rather, to my heart.

Here is the thing, living in pain can leave you breathless and worn.

It can make you cranky and irritable.

It can make you depressed, no not just sad but utterly hopelessly depressed.

But, it also does something else.

It strips ME away

Because I CAN'T be strong enough

I can't be perfect and never get irritated (even on a good day)

I can't fix my sick body

The only thing left to me is simple and yet one of the hardest things to do in life.

The only thing I can do is cry out to my Lord 

and when I do

sometimes there is silence 

but then when I let go of more of me, pealing away the layers of selfishness

bitterness, anger, unbelief, and any number of other ways I am not focused on His face

and then, oh the peace, the contentment even in pain.

Even as my body wages war against me

there is such joy. 

So when you ask me how I am today...

and I answer, "it's a bad day"

I never ever want you to grapple with what to say

Because truth is, bad pain days are excellent opportunities to learn more about the God who

loves me, cares for me and gives me peace and faith.

I'd NEVER go back and undo the pain, the depression or the anxieties of the past

because each moment of it is for His purpose 

in me.

It has shown me in a deeper way than I ever would have known

His comfort in the dark.

It has taught me what is truly important in life.

It constantly reminds me how broken and lost this world is

and how desperately important it is for me to live for Him

not myself and my desires!

I am nothing amazing, I'm not writing this to say

"hey look, I've got it all together"

because that is SO not true!

I am broken, I DO get cranky and blow it, I do struggle with depression and horrible
anxiety attacks yes even with meds and counseling.

I fail constantly.

But I also know that my Lord has extended grace to me and will continue to do so.

I know that He has purpose for me and all of this continues to build that purpose 

into HIS story for my life.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

(even if I might occasionally REALLY like to have a break from the worn and weary road!)

And I am so incredibly thankful that He doesn't see my failures but He sees
me as beautiful and perfectly clean because
He sees me through Jesus's sacrifice on my behalf.

So please, don't try to find something to say when I say my pain is bad,

but rather rejoice with me for the opportunity to turn again to my Savior
 and walk in theway that He has for me!

He is in the raindrops...

Often times

it's so hard to see anything clearly, 

to see anything except the darkest parts of the 

storm around me.

Every moment can be a battle;

a battle to be waged against that darkest part of the storm

not allowing it to settle in is sometimes impossible

the real goal is to see the beauty in the darkness,

the intricacy and the good that the storm can bring...

You sometimes have to look hard

to look beyond the bigger picture...

look closer and closer until you see it:

FIGHT to look closer...

My encouragement to those of you who are also suffering

keep looking, this flower is beautiful, the raindrop is pretty...

but look EVEN closer:

Because in life's storms... 

The love of God ALWAYS shines through

He takes the wickedness of this world,

the suffering of this world

the pain,

the sorrow

the tragedy

the darkness 

and...

He creates beauty in it

His love, and His glory shine through it

He teaches us bit by bit to become a reflection of HIM

So take heart, no matter what type of sorrow you find yourself in

God is in the storm

and beauty and His light will shine through in the end...

Be encouraged here:

http://familylifetoday.com/program/suffering-well-2/