I stood in my tracks, frozen. It felt like someone had just slashed through my heart and cut to bits everything that I am. But it wasn't just someone, it was my daughter. My own child screaming at me and I was wounded beyond words. So deeply that I couldn't speak or breathe. This wasn't just a childish tantrum, the truth is, she believed what she said.
I quietly directed the other kids to make their way back to the house, to which they all clung to me and began to cry. They didn't want to leave me on the mountain, but I couldn't come. It was obvious that she wasn't budging and the snow was beginning to fall. My babies needed to be safe inside the house with their big brothers.
As they descended the mountain I quietly sat down and fought tears while my angry bitter child started stacking rocks and sticks and muttering to herself. I prayed hard, prayed like I'd never prayed. We were only days away from our court date and making her a legal part of our family, but my heart it had been sold out to her a full year before.
I'd already been rejected, and I knew as I sat there with snowflakes swirling around me, I'd be rejected again as well. How does a child love and trust when she's never truly been loved and had only been taught that trust is something that is broken and foolish?
We sat for what felt like an eternity and eventually we descended the mountain to the warmth of the house. That day the same talk was had, that had already been had and would be had over and over again.
You are loved, you can trust and I'm going to prove it... Being loved isn't based on how good you are, how clean you keep your room or on how you look. This love, we chose to give it to you, not for anything you can do or be, but because you are our daughter and we chose you.
Over and over these words have been repeated in our home, and they will continue to be.
Then, not to long ago I found myself on my knees. "Lord, I don't know why you put up with me, I continually blow it. How is it that you have entrusted these children to ME. I don't deserve them, I don't deserve any of this responsibility you've given me. I am not good enough!" Truth is, I believed what I said.
Suddenly like a bolt of lightning, it struck me. I was that same child, chosen and adopted and wholly loved but refusing to believe it. Putting a knife in the heart of my Father.
Instead of believing Him when He says I am washed white as snow, that I AM the pearl of great worth He sought out. That I am treasured and dearly loved I too was lying about the VERY heart of my God. How it must pierce Him to the core when His children reject the truth He has given them. That He sees us not as the mess that we are, but as His children, beautiful and perfect and covered by His one and only Son. That there is NOTHING that WE can do to make Him love us anymore, we can't earn it; it's just a gift, pure and simple.
Today, remember who you are in Christ, you aren't the mess that you are in, you aren't the mistakes you are making... You are chosen and dearly loved.
The Lord your God is in your midst;
he is a warrior who can deliver.
He takes great delight in you;
he renews you by his love;
he shouts for joy over you.”
~Zephaniah 3:17~
No comments:
Post a Comment